I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
