so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
Randomize
