i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
Who is naked dude in the kitchen?
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
Randomize
