Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
well I can't set my house on fire every night
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
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