How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
Randomize
