And, I saw Emily's panties. How? She doesn't sit like a lady.
If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
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