I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
I don't know what you're talking about. I just drank beer out of my own bellybutton by doing a backbend and letting it run down my body.
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
Randomize
