when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
We're not piercing ourselves today.
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
