Can i not drive my cunt home
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
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