I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Randomize
