Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
Sext me about skeletons
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
Randomize
