Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Randomize
