hell yes lets make some ravioli
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
