I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
I deserve to be covered in dicks
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
Randomize
