watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
i just walked passed a table of guys by myself.. they looked @ me talked and then yelled 7
id pin you as more of an 8
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
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