So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
i swear to god. if they dont have practically DTF written on their foreheads, or a glowstick in their hands, strictly no entry.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
Randomize
