we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
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