just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
you kept say ridiculous things then repeating them in perfect classical latin. You are onee intelligent drunk
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
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