So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
what is it with giant penises always finding me
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
We need to get me chipped asap
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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