I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
Just invented taco cereal.
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
Randomize
