i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
I'm excited for you as you venture towards new drug experiences
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
Randomize
