If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
Randomize
