I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
I love watching others lives come down to our level.
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
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