He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
Randomize
