I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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