I wish I could punch you in the face.
Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
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