i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
Yea. But u kept saying "as long as she doesn't have aids" so I was concerned
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
She acts like a 3 year old but with fantastic tits. This girl is the reason women are objectified
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
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