Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
Randomize
