Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
okay pat passed out under dana's car
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
Just pee around me
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
