your thong is hanging out like whoa
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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