SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Randomize
