never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Randomize
