I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
Randomize
