i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
Randomize
