you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
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