my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
Randomize
