Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
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