you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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