roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
I can't turn off my feet"
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
