I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
maybe after you take off her top her face will be hotter
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
