apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
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