Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
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