It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
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