I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
p.s. this guy just tipped me with ecstasy pills. is this real life
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize
