a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
You need Xanax blowdarts
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
Randomize
