I hate your face
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
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