watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
When did angry sex become our thing?
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
