god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
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