I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
I bet they don't have a scenario slide on how to deal with a suggested three way with counsel during harassment training.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize
