My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
No subtext here. People are naked.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
Also, do you think you think his dick is perfect bc you loved him? Or is it actually perfect?
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
